


The Price of Command

by Amberlioness



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Angst, Backstory, F/M, First Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-11
Updated: 2017-09-11
Packaged: 2018-12-26 09:23:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 16,063
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12056007
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amberlioness/pseuds/Amberlioness
Summary: A young Tom Paris meets, loves, and loses Sue Crabtree, his first girlfriend.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> GENERAL DISCLAIMER: Everything Star Trek, including characters and episodes belong to Paramount, Inc. and CBS, I’m just borrowing them for a time. I derive no financial gain from this endeavor. It’s just been great fun.
> 
> I originally posted this in February of 1998 under a different name at ASCEM. I recently came across it and thought I’d put it in the AO3 archive with some of my recent work. All we know about Susie Crabtree is that Tom and she dated at the Academy, and she dumped him, leaving him quite depressed. I've tried to create a story which explains why and is independently entertaining as well. I have tried to reconcile cannon events as well as possible, also assuming Jeri Taylor's Mosaic to be canon. Special thanks to the Beta readers for all their time and help! All comments and criticisms are appreciated.

Tom Paris walked along the beach, grateful to be out of the house for a while. This was supposed to be a summer break, his last one before starting at the Academy. He should be out having a good time, looking for trouble, looking for girls. Not reviewing quantum mechanics. There was very little excitement in that. At least he and his mother had convinced the Admiral that he should have these months free. This summer he would be exempt from the survival camps and tactical simulation games sponsored by Starfleet that he usually attended. The compromise was that he had to spend a "reasonable" amount of time reviewing the topics that he had not "excelled" in during the past year. Summer in California was no time to be chained to a PADD. He stopped and looked out over the water, his hair blowing into his eyes. This summer he had avoided getting his hair cut, and it was starting to get very long on top. Now it was a bit out of control, and exactly what Tom wanted. This might be his last chance to have something other than a Starfleet regulation cut. Good thing the Admiral wasn't going to see him all summer. He was on another deep space mission, and wouldn't be back until the middle of the Academy's first semester.

He spotted someone sunbathing up ahead. The form appeared to be female, a very curvaceous female, and one who didn't appear to be wearing a bathing suit. ‘This is definitely not a time to be studying,’ he thought as he approached her. *How could a guy with a pulse not at least get a better look?* As he got closer, Tom realized he knew the girl. "Susie? Susie Crabtree? Is that you?" Susie's family had purchased the house across the cove last season. They had met a couple of times in the few weeks Tom had actually been at the beach that summer. 

"You got it. I'm out here sunning my buns." Because of her dark sunglasses, Tom couldn't tell if she were just answering absently, or if she had opened her eyes and knew he was standing right over her.

"Well, I don't know about them, but this side is getting burnt."

"What? Oh damn." She sat up and surveyed the damage. "I guess I spent too much time on one side." Then she looked up at him, “Tom Paris?"

"The same."

"Hey, it's good to see you Tom."

"It's good to see you too, although I'm seeing much more than you are." She was really attractive; not too tall, long wavy auburn hair, and if he recalled correctly, green eyes. She had delicate features and a heart-shaped face that gave her an angelic, almost ethereal quality. He found he was having to review his quantum mechanics mentally to distract him or else his body was going to betray the rather lecherous thoughts which had just been running through his mind.

"Trying to avoid tan lines." She said as she stood up, slipped on a huge denim shirt, and collected her towel. "So how long are you here for?"

*Thank god. I don't know how much longer I could keep myself together.* "Uh, this time the whole summer."

"Wow, how'd you arrange that? Last summer you weren't here three weeks total."

"Well, I managed to convince the Admiral that I needed a break before going to the Academy."

"You're going too? I shouldn't be surprised I suppose, what else would you be doing." Tom smiled a mixed smile, she was right, what else would he do? He had actually been accepted early, when he was only 15.

"Wait a minute, you're going to the Academy this year?" Tom asked.

"Yeah, I'm going to be studying xenobiology. I applied because I want the chance to study with Dr. Melkonian." Susie continued, with obvious enthusiasm, " I got interested in her theories of  
evolution of life in the cosmos while I was doing my senior project on the evolutionary relationships between species of tree frogs on earth. They made an excellent model system for working out the DNA sequence variation between species to determine evolutionary phylogenetic relationships." She caught her breath and stopped her hands in mid-gesture, "I'm sorry, no one gives a damn about tree frogs or even the evolution of life in the cosmos I suppose. I shouldn't bore you with my project, I just get really into the topic."

"Nothing wrong with being excited about what you're doing. That's great that you're into it, but, honestly, I don't care too much about the evolution of tree frogs." She looked intently at him, subtly looking him up and down.

"Would you like to come up to the house for some iced tea? I've got a million questions about the Academy."

"Sounds good to me." The afternoon was turning out much better than Tom had ever expected.

**********

Tom and Susie spent the afternoon at her house, discussing the Academy, listening to music, and just hanging out. She really impressed him, *Gods, she's really smart. I don't think I've ever met a girl who's as sharp as she is.* She wasn't smart in a condescending way, and didn't even seem to know that she was any brighter than anyone else. Susie was completely as ease with herself, and she really seemed to know who she was and where she was going. Most of the girls Tom had been meeting were, in comparison, pretty vacuous. The daughters of the officers his parents knew were a giggly bunch. They'd come up to him at parties, bat their eyes at him, and flirt. He'd flirt back, but he just couldn't get that interested. They seemed to think that a blue-eyed blonde would automatically be superficial. He was attracted to them, but he just couldn't get past the conversation and flirtation stage.

Going to Aldrin Academy did not help his romantic interests. It was an elite military-style prep school, a definite holdover from the 21st century. They did have the most impressive academic background of any private school, but, unfortunately, no girls. The had Admiral thought it would be the best place for Tom to prepare for Starfleet Academy.

*********

Tom went to Susie's house the first afternoon he got the chance. He was enjoying spending time with her, she was so different from anyone else he knew. As they talked, Tom crossed his arms across his chest and leaned back against the wall. He often took this stance, and usually had a way of looking at a person that seemed like he was focusing his eyes on them, but his face was looking elsewhere. He seemed attentive, yet not fully present. Susie suddenly stopped the conversation and asked, "Tom, why are you standing like that?"

"Like what?"

"The crossed arms, up against the wall. That's usually a defensive posture. Do I scare you or something?"

"Huh?" Tom looked down and suddenly realized she was right. He did stand like this a lot. No one had ever commented on it before. He uncrossed his arms and stood straight. "This better?"

"Thanks. I just don't want to think I make you that uncomfortable. You certainly don't make me feel that way." She continued her very direct gaze.

"So, are you saying that you like hanging out with me?" he asked, this time looking directly and completely at her.

"Definitely. You're such a wiseass, you make me laugh constantly."

"I make you laugh? Yeah, just what a guy wants to hear. Might as well say that I've got a great personality."

"Well, I think there's a whole lot to Tom Paris, much more than what's on the surface, and I love a complex story. And, well," Susie looked over to him and a hint of a blush started on  
her cheeks.

"Well, what?"

"Tom, you do have the most wonderful blue eyes. I just get such a case of the uhhhs every time I look into them."

This girl was awfully direct, and very honest. She was unlike anyone he'd ever met before, which was intriguing and scary at the same time. He managed to respond, "The uhhhs?"

"You know, you get this little shiver and all you can think of to mutter is uhhh." She paused. "So, I don't make you uncomfortable?"

"Oh, no, you don't. I guess you could say I'm just not used to someone who's so, direct." Sue nodded and stopped to consider what to say next.

They heard a door open and a deep voice call, "Sue, are you home?"

"Tom, come on and meet my dad, that must be him." She waked Tom to the kitchen area.

"Hi Dad."

"Sue, I just found the best papaya at the market, your Mom's going to love it," Susie's father said as he rummaged in a refrigeration unit before looking over to her and Tom.

"Dad, I'd like you to meet somebody. Dad, this is Tom Paris, his family has a house across the cove. Tom, my Dad, Evan Crabtree."

"Nice to meet you" Tom." Evan Crabtree said as he shook Tom's hand warmly and clapped him on the shoulder. "Call me Evan. My daughter's told me a lot about you." He leaned in close to Tom and whispered, "I think she likes you," and followed it with a wink.

"Dad, what are you telling him?"

"Nothing that's not the absolute truth. Susie is a straight shooter, and very determined, and often a royal pain."

"Thanks a lot."

"My pleasure." They both laughed. "So, Tom, I understand you are going to the Academy in the fall. Congratulations."

"Yes, Sir. I am," Tom answered. "Thanks."

"Tom, did I tell you my Dad is an artist?"

"No, what kind of work do you do?"

"I'm a holoartist actually. Tom, come on, let me show you my latest,” he said as he put an arm across his shoulders and guided him toward the studio. "Here we are, now go ahead step on the pad." Tom stepped onto the small holopad. "Now just say the name of the piece you'd like to see. Try 'Rainflow'."

"Rainflow," Tom repeated. Before him the air shimmered and he was suddenly enveloped in a tropical rainforest. He could smell the scent of humidity and decay mixed with the sweet odor of vanilla orchids. There was a light mist falling and only a few patches of light were visible through the trees. The rain suddenly began to increase in intensity. And he heard a sudden eruption of noise from high above him in the trees. A brightly colored bird flew high overhead. The rain began to fall in earnest, and Tom felt his clothes getting soaked through. He reminded himself, *It's only holographic.* The rain felt warm and soft. Then the trees began to shimmer in front of him. *Was that it? Is the image done?* The trees began to emit a chorus of low tones and seemed to sway ever so slightly. Then from every leaf, the drops of water falling began to take on an iridescent quality. The trees began to ooze a multicolored thick goo. The goo had the most vibrant colors and this transformation was accompanied by a distinct change of tones. The sounds now began to take on more power and feeling. The goo flowed toward him towards his feet. It looked like a million colors all swirling together, yet remaining distinct. The goo moved to his feet and around his ankles. It was cool and smooth, like clay mud. Finally, the tones abated and were replaced by the cries of birds. The rain stopped and the sun shone again. As the light came out the goo sunk into the earth and all traces of it disappeared. Then the entire scene shimmered again and was gone. Tom was entranced by the effect.

"That's what I spend my time programming. What did you think of it?" Evan asked.

"It felt so real."

"That's exactly what he's trying to do, blend elements of reality with fantasy in a format which stimulates all the senses,” Susie added.

"What an advertisement, Susie. Actually, I had an inspiration earlier today, and if you two don't mind I'm going to follow it up."

"No problem, Dad."

"Nice to meet you, Tom."

"Good to meet you too, Evan."

Tom wasn't sure what to make of Evan Crabtree. He was surprised by the way he looked at Susie and talked to her like she was, well, a real person. It was obvious how much he cared about her. The touchy-feely stuff was also not something he was used to. The Admiral certainly wasn't like that.

*********

Later that week, on a clear sunlit afternoon, Tom came by Susie's and invited her to go flying with him. Susie was surprised and asked, "Flying? Do you own your own shuttle or something?"

"No, my Dad arranged for me to get some time in a training vehicle every week or so. I can take one up this afternoon. All I have to do is file a flight plan."

"They let you just take one?"

"Yeah. Hey, I've been flying since I was five."

"Five? You're kidding."

"Well, simulators anyway. My dad got me started with them. I've been flying the real thing since I was ten, and I've passed all the Starfleet proficiency tests and safety training for basic shuttle piloting. I'm kind of an exception they made. They gave me time in the trainers when I got early admission to the Academy a couple years ago. So, do you want to go or not?"

"There's no way I'd say no. Let me get myself together."

Tom took her by hovercar to the Academy. Sue had only been on the grounds once before, for her interview. The guard at the gate recognized Tom and gave him an exaggerated salute. "Do they have to do that?" Tom complained. "I'm not the one with pips up to my ear."

"I think they're only trying to be funny."

"Probably. The hangar is over here." Tom escorted Susie to the hangar and went to speak to the officer on duty. He talked and joked with him like they were old friends. After completing the flight plan, he directed Susie to the end of the hangar. "Here we are, craft 37J-4. These trainers aren't the fastest ships, but you can really get the feel for flying within atmosphere. It’s a bit different than flying a ship in space."

Susie had been in small craft before, but not alone with the pilot. Especially when the pilot was as young as Tom. She kept reminding herself that he was a very gifted pilot, who did have experience. Once they had taken off, she calmed down. He had such precise control of the craft, she hardly noticed the turns and dips they made. She looked out the viewport and took in the view. Below them the California coastline passed by. Susie found the sight unexpectedly impressive. "I've never seen the coast from this point of view before."

Tom replied with a look that exuded casual confidence, "That's nothing, let's take a closer look." He maneuvered the trainer so that they were perhaps 200 meters above the ground, and then began to descend and pick up speed. Ahead Susie saw the cove and Tom's house. He was heading straight for it.

"What are you doing? Isn't this too fast?"

"No. I'm still under the limit."

"Maybe for the air, but not on the ground. Tom!" Susie clutched the arms of the seat and held her breath. Tom maneuvered the trainer so that it was directly in line with his house, and then at the last second pulled up and sailed cleanly around it, generating a shockwave of sound that shook the house. He looked down at his house with a big grin.

"My mom hates when I do that. She's afraid something'll break."

Susie exhaled and felt her pulse begin to slow down. "Tom Paris, you...are....nuts. Don't you ever do that to me again without some kind of warning."

"What, you don't trust me?" feigning hurt disbelief.

"I trust you, I just don't get quite the thrill out of buzzing your house that you seem to."

"Don't worry. You're with one of the best pilots around." Sue gave him a look. He was probably right. She just couldn't decide if she found him charming or exasperating, or maybe both.


	2. Chapter 2

Tom and Susie began spending all of their time together. Tom realized how attractive she was and how attracted to her he was becoming. She was one of those girls who didn't pay much attention to her looks, who didn't wear lots of makeup or worry so much about her clothes.

He also found he could really talk to her, and found himself beginning to open up to her about his family, his father in particular. He and his Dad had never been really close, the Admiral wasn't around much, and besides, he ran his house like a starship. Not much room for fooling around. But the past few years Owen Paris had been progressively more withdrawn and distant from Tom, and Tom had tried even harder to get any attention from him that he could. He would get a response from his father when he achieved a new goal or did well in his studies, but it was usually a terse, "good job". It never sounded sincere, and Tom never felt that his dad genuinely approved of him or was proud of him. As the months wore on, Tom felt that his father was growing more dissatisfied with him and his performance. Since the Arias expedition two years ago, when his father had been taken captive by the Cardassians, he seemed to examine Tom's performance with an even more critical eye. The Admiral had never said a word about the experience to Tom, not once. Tom was left to pry what details he could out of his mother. She seemed to know what had happened, but remained very tight-lipped about it. She told him that his father didn't see the need to discuss it with him, and she would respect those wishes.

Owen Paris was never that affectionate with his son, unlike his daughters whom he openly hugged. The Admiral belonged to that school of thought that said that girls and boys were different, and were to be treated differently. As a result, Tom felt very distant from his father, and tried all the more to earn his approval and respect. He somehow felt responsible for that distance. If only he was a better student, a better athlete, or a better leader, maybe then he'd be "working up to his potential", as the Admiral had often put it. Owen Paris never realized how the manly distance he kept between himself and his son was damaging what little relationship they did have. He could never understand how his son could be "so emotional". He felt Tom was entirely too sympathetic and empathetic. He just couldn't see him making the tough calls his career would demand. Life and death decisions were part of an officer's job. You had to make the best decision you could, using your head, not your heart. He might be a prodigy in the pilot's chair, but he was going to have to toughen his skin to make it in command. Aldrin Academy had been a significant step in that direction.

Since his sisters Caroline and Janet had refused to go into Starfleet, Tom's father had put more focus on "recruiting" Tom. To Tom, Starfleet meant the opportunity to fly the most advanced, fastest, and most challenging machines ever constructed. He didn't care for all the rules and regulations, but it would be worth the effort for a lifetime spent flying.

********

Ultimately, Tom and Susie were enjoying each other's company. The physical attraction they both felt did have something to do with it too. They'd been hanging out for about a week, when Tom decided that he didn't just want to be friends with this girl. Waking up wet from a dream about her was the last straw. He asked her to go for a walk on the beach that night.

"Full moon, very romantic, isn't it?" Tom took Susie's hand and continued walking. She smiled up at him.

"Tom"

"Um hum."

"I'm curious, what are your intentions here?" Tom did like her directness, but wasn't sure exactly how to respond.

"I assure you, they're only honorable," he said with a slight smirk.

"Oh, like that tells me anything. Come on, don't avoid the question."

"Susie, I've really liked spending time with you, I wish we'd gotten this chance before." He stopped and turned to face her, still holding her hand. He looked directly into her eyes, he was starting to feel nervous. What if she wasn't interested? He didn't want to make a fool of himself. "I just thought that we could try being more than just friends," he said, leaving the thought incomplete.

"You mean, date?"

"Yeah."

"Tom we've been spending so much time together, what would be different?" Susie asked with a smile beginning to turn at the corners of her mouth. For Tom, it was too good of an opening to waste.

"This..." He bent down and kissed her, and she almost immediately began to kiss him back. He drew her into his arms and continued, the kiss growing stronger, until she broke it and took a deep breath.

"Wow. I didn't realize that was there."

"What do you mean?"

"That, um, chemistry or electricity or whatever you want to call it, but it is there." She grinned and clasped her hands behind his neck. "I think that dating you, Tom Paris, is going to be, very exciting."

"I'll try my best." They kissed again, and this evening didn't spend much time talking at all. Neither missed the lack of conversation.

********

They were having lunch at Tom's house one afternoon. Tom had replicated pepperoni pizza with Kavarian olives, which was fine with Susie. However, when he produced a glass of dark green liquid she hesitated. This was not the first unusual culinary experience she'd had with Tom Paris. She sniffed the liquid. "Tom what is this?"

"Spinach juice. Try it, it's good."

She looked down into the glass again. "Sorry, I don't think so. Doesn't this make your tongue green?"

"A little. But I like it anyway."

"God, Tom, you eat some weird food. I wouldn't be surprised if you liked that Klingon stuff. What's the dish that's still live?"

"There are a few, but you probably mean gagh. I've never had it. I'm not sure I'd like food that's still moving, but maybe it'd be worth a try."

"That's too daring for me."

Tom walked over to Susie's after lunch. They'd fallen into a routine of spending the afternoon together, either on the beach or at her house. This afternoon was unusually clear, so they decided to spend it outside. They talked as they walked along the beach.

"What do you most want to do in your life, Tom?"

"Gee, that's an easy question." He replied with a laugh.

"Well, I really mean, what's something that will make you happy, that you could spend the rest of your life doing?"

"Fly. I don't care where, I just want to fly starships. There is something about being at the controls of a machine like that. If you're really good, you can actually feel the ship moving and know what to do to keep it moving without even looking at the readouts at the helm. You become sensitive to the smallest vibrations and motions."

"Aren't inertial dampers supposed to cut down on all of that?"

"Yeah, that's why you need to be very good. When you have that kind of feel for a ship, there's nothing you can't do with it. You can push it to the limits of the laws of physics. That's a challenge, balancing the capacity of the ship against the limits of the physics and keeping it on the edge without losing control. When you know you're doing that, it is a real rush. That's the kind of thing I live for. Sometimes you don't really know what it is to be alive until you come to the edge of loosing it." He laughed to himself and ran his hand through his hair. "Sorry, I didn't mean to get all philosophical on you."

"No, I can understand why you love to fly, if it makes you feel like that. Going up against the forces of the universe and holding them at bay, that's a pretty strong statement about yourself. I think sometimes the kind of research I do flies in the face of the forces of nature. I'm manipulating it on the small scale, trying to understand how it works. Nature doesn't want me to know the answer sometimes. You can be so sure you've done the perfect experiment, but you haven't. That's when it really gets challenging."

Nobody had ever gotten the feel for why Tom loved to fly, except her. He wanted to defy nature. Man wasn't earthbound anymore, but there were still restrictions. Tom wanted to push them to the very limits. That asserted his place in the hierarchy of the universe, and in the hierarchy of men. How many were willing to risk life to take that challenge? Not many, and Tom Paris wanted to be the best of the best. He wanted to take the biggest risks, and be all the better for them. Mastering not only the limitations of the physics of spaceflight, but doing it by mastering fate and keeping your hide in one piece at the same time. That was the thrill and the challenge.

*********

Tom was studying in his room, when he heard a knock at the door. "Come in," he called.

"Hey there!" It was Susie. She bounded over to him and kissed him hello, and then put her arms around him looking over his shoulder at the vid screen. "Quantum Physics? God, what a dry topic."

"Oh yeah, like DNA replication is much better."

"Touché. Did you get your intro packet for the Academy today?" she asked as she sat on the chair opposite him.

"Yup. Forms, forms, and more forms. I'd think they could just look me up under my Dad's records and get everything they want."

"I was actually wondering about the health records, did you read the background letters?"

"No. My doctor is Starfleet anyway, he'll be able to just transfer the medical records. Why, what was in them?"

"I admit, I was surprised by one of them. Did you know the Academy has an "unofficial" policy that all cadets use some kind of birth control, unless they register a medical or religious objection?"

"Yeah, they do. Look, imagine a couple thousand 18 to 22-year-olds in a dormitory setting, under stress. What do you think they're doing when they're not in class or studying? Not to mention the academy "groupies", you know, people with a fixation on future officers. My Dad told me that that policy has been in effect for years. Before they did, quite a few cadets wound up pregnant at some point before graduation. Those situations really messed up some people's lives."

"I don't know if I like being told I have to get the implants."

"They're no big deal really." He replied shrugging.

"Tom, do you have them already?"

"At my last physical. The doctor strongly recommended it. Apparently, it was the Admiral's suggestion."

"Are you serious?"

"Yes. Look, it doesn't hurt to get them, they don't have any side effects. The only time you know they're there is when they're about to expire. About a week before they go, you start to feel an irritation, like an insect bite. It's kind of a reminder to renew them."

"Where are they?"

"Usually on the inside of the upper arm, about here." He indicated his upper left bicep.

"Tom, this doesn't bother you that your father made such a big decision for you?"

"It does bother me, but it's something I knew I'd do sooner or later. I need to pick my battles with the Admiral, and this one just wasn't worth it."

"Tom, I can't believe how you let him control your life."

"What am I supposed to do? I don't like it either, but I just don't see a way around it for now. Come on, I don't want to talk about him anymore tonight. Will you take a study break with me?"

"What do you have in mind?" she asked as he got up and moved over to her.

"Well, another walk on the beach would be nice, and maybe some rolling around in the sand?"

"You have got a one-track mind Tom."

"My dear Susie, it's just going in the same direction yours is."

She stood up and pressed herself against him, "Maybe that's true. Let's go."

*********


	3. Chapter 3

One afternoon Tom's house was empty, and he and Susie decided to take advantage of the privacy. They were up in Tom's room on his bed. They'd spent a good deal of time "making out". They could kiss and caress each other for hours it seemed. They'd done some exploration of each other's bodies, but they hadn't actually done "it" yet. This afternoon their activities seemed to take a more intense turn. Susie thought his kisses were hotter than they'd been before, and they were both breathing heavier than usual. She began to feel like she was getting light- headed, almost like an out of body experience. She realized that she wanted to give up her self-control now, she wanted Tom. She wanted to make love with him, more desperately than any other time she'd been this close to him. Tom was feeling the same thing. He was very aroused, very hard, and wanted her badly. She was so exciting, and so beautiful. She did care about him, he knew that. And right now, the sight and taste of her were driving him nuts. The feel of her body against his was almost too much. "Suzie, you are so beautiful, you're making me so,..." he paused. He didn't want to be too crude.

She looked up at him, "Thank you, and is the word you're looking for is aroused, hot, or perhaps, horny?" Once again, she was more than direct. "You're making me feel the same way. What are we going to do about it?"

He stroked the side of her face and said, "We could make love, if you want to." She paused and looked up at him.

"Yes. I want to. I just..."

"What?" This was one of the few times he'd seen her uncertain, she who usually had so much self-confidence.

"I've never done it before," she replied as she closed her eyes.

"The girl I met while she was nude sunbathing is a virgin?"

She opened her eyes and gave Tom a look. "Shut up. Just because I like my body doesn't mean I've been sharing it with just anyone."

"So, I'm not just anyone?"

"No, you're someone I care about, I care a lot about. You're a good guy, Tom."

"Thanks. So, you're sure want to do this?"

"Uh-huh."

"Well, I should tell you I've never done it either."

"That does surprise me. You're such a good flirt, and such a good kisser, I just assumed it was from extensive experience."

"I guess I'm just naturally talented."

"Oh God. Sometimes you can be so full of yourself." He gave her a look that said he wanted to say the next wiseass thing that came to mind, but she stopped him before he said it. "I think I know what to expect, but please just go slowly." He felt jolted back to the reality of the situation, and felt his desire begin to build.

"I don't want to hurt you."

"That may be unavoidable." He realized this was probably true. "I really want you Tom. Please kiss me." He obliged, kissing her with as much passion and tenderness as he could muster. He began to kiss down her neck as he undid the buttons of her shirt. She drew her breath sharply as his fingers found her breast and began to stroke the nipple. He continued to kiss down her throat and toward the other breast. He took her nipple in his mouth and began to gently suck, following with a series of slow circles with his tongue. Susie was breathing deeply and pulled his shirt up, he stopped his highly erotic caresses and she was able to remove his shirt and began to undo his shorts. Once they were removed, she slid out of her shirt and gently pushed Tom back against the pillows. She began her own exploration of his ears neck and chest with her mouth. She stopped and flicked a nipple with her tongue. Tom felt the sensation all the way down to his groin. "Do you like that?"

"Uh huh".

"Good, I wasn't sure if you would." "You have such a great chest. I just want to keep running my hands through this lovely hair."

"Feel free to keep going, it feels good."

"I think I can do even better than that." She kissed him again and worked her hand down across his abdomen and lightly ran her fingers over the front of his briefs. His body jumped in surprise. She continued to stroke him through the material, reaching down to cradle all of him in her hand. She did have a very graceful touch. No wonder she worked in a lab. He broke their kiss and rolled her onto her back, undoing and then removing her skirt in the process. He stroked her thighs and up to her hips. He did appreciate her lack of tan lines. He slid his hand under her panties and over her dark mound of pubic hair. This was as far as they had gone before this afternoon. Tom slid her panties down her legs and tossed them onto the growing pile of clothes on the floor. He returned his attentions to her breasts and stroked along her cleft, causing her to shudder involuntarily. He parted her with his fingers and continued to explore, finding her very hot and wet. "Tom," she moaned out his name. He stopped his stimulation of her nipples and she moved to free him from his briefs. She took a moment to contemplate his erection. She reached out to touch him. "Wow, that's quite a sight."

"Quite a sight? As in academically interesting or you're in awe?"

"I've just never seen this up close and personal before. The hydraulics are really fascinating, you know."

"At the moment, I only care that it works."

"Show me." She said quietly laying back and closing her eyes.

They were both nervous, but incredibly excited. Tom positioned himself over her, "o.k.?"

"Go ahead." She slid her arms around him. He moved against her, finding just the spot he was looking for and slowly began to penetrate. He felt some resistance, and then suddenly he was inside her. Susie gasped.

"Did that hurt?"

"A bit, but it's all right." He kissed her again and began to move in and out of her. It took a few strokes to get the feel of the rhythm, but it felt amazing. She was so warm and wet and tight around him, he almost didn't care if he came, the sensation was so good. Tom didn't want it to end, so he would slow down if he felt close, but after a couple of times he couldn't wait any longer. He increased his pace and finally exploded inside her. She felt the rush of warmth and fluid inside her as he gasped and shook. He had an expression on his face that almost caused her to giggle. She decided that it would be a bad idea to do so. He collapsed on top of her and they lay like that for a very long few minutes. Tom finally raised his head and kissed her again. "I love you, Susie." She thought, *Huh? I'm not sure I love you, but it's very gallant of you to say it.*

She opted to reply, "I love you too." He moved off her and she settled her head against his shoulder.

"Are you ok, I mean do you hurt?"

"Well, I'm sore, kind of like after a strenuous workout, I wouldn't say it's painful though."

"Good. I hoped it wouldn't be too bad." He paused and his expression took on some uncertainty. "Susie, you didn't come did you?"

She wasn't about to lie to him. "No. I didn't."

"Well, it doesn't seem fair that you didn't. Maybe I can do something about that?"

She looked up at him and thought, *He really is quite a guy. I might really fall for him yet.* She replied softly, "Let me show you," as she took his hand. She guided his hands down between her legs and helped him locate the exact spot. "Just like this, gently, ummm." He continued to gently rub small circles over her clitoris, and she began to feel the onset of orgasm. It was different having someone else do it though. It took longer, but it was really enjoyable. Finally, she felt the spasms start and couldn't stop herself from crying out. Tom had seen enough vids to know how this went, but all that didn't compare to having a real live woman panting and screaming in your arms. He found the whole thing turned him on immensely.

"Wow."

She began a stifled giggle. "That's descriptive." She sighed and began again, "That felt so good, Tom. Thank you." They lay curled up together for a while. Tom was enjoying the smell of her hair and how soft her skin felt beneath his hands, and he felt his body stir again. Susie felt it too. She looked up at him, desire clearly in her eyes, "What do you want to do now?"

Tom simply smiled and pulled her closer for a kiss. They spent the remainder of the afternoon continuing the exploration they had just begun.

**********

The afternoon in Tom's room was not an isolated incident. Tom and Susie spent a lot of time that summer "experimenting". He discovered that there were advantages to dating a girl who not only knew her biology, but had a deep desire to explore. Tom and Susie had a very open, very physical relationship. They weren't just excited by this novel experience, they were extremely compatible in their desires. Tom had gone from the occasional date to getting laid on a nearly daily basis, it was almost more than his mind could comprehend.

After one particularly rigorous afternoon's activities in which they had discovered the possibilities of countertops, they lay together on the couch in the family room of Susie's house, which was vacant for several hours.

"Tom?" Susie asked.

"Um hum" he responded with a smile lingering on his face.

"I want to tell you something."

He looked up at her, "All right, what is it?"

"I just realized how much I really care about you. I mean, I think I'm really falling for you. Well, actually, I know I'm way past that already." She stopped and looked him directly in the eye and said, "Tom Paris, I'm in love with you. I know I said it before, after the first time we made love, but I wasn't really sure then. Now, I'm sure and I mean it."

"You didn't really mean it that time?"

"No. I just didn't expect you to say anything like that, and I didn't want to hurt your feelings. I'm sorry." She paused, "Did you really mean it then?"

"Actually, I think I did. I know that's how I feel now. Since you never said it again, I thought you might be uncomfortable with saying "I love yous", so I backed off on it. But I do love you."

She slid her arms around him and laid her head on his chest. "Tom I'm not uncomfortable saying how I feel about you, and I certainly enjoy showing you."

Tom started to laugh. "I noticed that, in fact, I think everyone on the cove has noticed. You're not exactly real quiet in bed."

"When have we been in a bed recently?" She replied with a grin. Her face took on a more serious expression, "Tom what are we going to do when we go to the Academy? I mean do you want to keep seeing each other like we are now? Honestly, I do."

"I want to keep seeing you too. I think we'll just have to work around our class schedules and study time. And roommates."

"I'm starting to get nervous about going. I'm glad I'll have you to talk to, and to show me the Starfleet ropes."

"Don't be nervous, I know you'll do great. The adjustment won't be that bad." Tom looked at her with a lecherous grin, "Did you say something about ropes just now? I'm getting ideas."

"You have a wild imagination, and I'm truly enjoying it. But, not now, my parents will be home soon, and they don't mind you being here and all but I don't think they want to walk in on anything. Come on, get yourself together."

**********

Without Susie, it would have been a much quieter summer for Tom. His friends from school either had not escaped survival camps and tactical simulation games sponsored by Starfleet or were able to go with their parents on some shorter missions. He didn't see much of his mother or sisters. Caroline was very busy with her internship at a law firm in San Francisco, while Janet had opted to go on an archeological dig to Angkor Wat, which was being fully excavated and restored. Susie did meet Caroline several times that summer. She was studying pre-law in college, and Susie liked her right off the bat. She was very bright, with a biting sarcasm and a temper which had to be inherited from Owen Paris. Tom told Susie that Caroline wouldn't join Starfleet because one organization couldn't hold both her and the Admiral. They were too much alike. Caroline was hell to argue with, and she thought tactics as well as her father.

Susie also met Tom's mother, Elaine. She found the Admiral's wife to be the type of person who was very difficult to characterize. She was a woman who possessed an understated class, with a smile that conveyed mischief in just the briefest of sparks. Elaine spent a great deal of her time that summer involved in a charity project at the hospital where she had once worked. She had always made time for Tom, and she was a source of encouragement. However, more often than not, she went along with the Admiral. As much as Tom had been able to talk to her about so many things, he had never felt able to really tell her how he felt about his father.

*********

Although sex was a significant part of Tom and Susie's time together, they didn't spend all their time carnally engaged. They did enjoy each other's company and found quite a few platonic activities to keep them occupied. Late one day, Susie sat on the dock waiting for Tom. They were supposed to go SCUBA diving this afternoon. She'd gotten the gear all ready, and now he was late. If he didn't get here soon, there wouldn't be that much daylight left. Suddenly, she saw him off in the distance coming toward her running like his life depended on it. He did manage to slow down just in time to avoid crashing into a pylon. He was breathing hard. "Tom, you didn't need to run that fast if you were running late, you should have called and let me know, it's no big deal."

He took several deep breaths and answered, "No. I went, I went for a walk, and then... it turned into a run. By the time I realized how late it was, I was half way around the other side of the cove." He exhaled deeply again and seemed to regain his breath.

"Why'd you go running now? We were supposed to go diving, remember?" Susie asked, annoyance beginning to surface.

"I just needed to get out for a while," he answered quietly.

She looked at him with skepticism, "You just needed to get out. Fine. If that's all you want to tell me, then that's all you want to tell me." She paused and looked at him closely. "Do you still want to go diving?"

"In a few minutes, ok.?" They sat in relative silence, listening to the sounds of the water lapping up against the dock. Tom finally looked at her and said, "I got a letter from my dad this  
morning."

"Hey, that's great. What did he have to say?"

"The usual. 'How's the studying? Did you get all the information to the Academy before the deadline? Send me the logs from your last few simulator sessions, I want to review your progress.' And, of course, 'Please get your hair cut'."

"That's it?" Susie was confused.

"Just the highlights, there wasn't much in the way of chit chat," the sarcasm was clear in Tom's voice.

"Did he tell you how his mission was going?"

"No. He never discusses his "work" with me, never anything specific anyway. I'm not even sure what part of the quadrant he's in right now. The message came through a relay station."

"He must be a very busy man, without much time to send messages," Susie added hopefully.

"Bull."

"Excuse me?"

"That was out of line. I shouldn't be taking any of this out on you."

"Well, no, you shouldn't, but you could talk to me about it. Is what your dad said in the letter bothering you?"

"Yes, but even more, it's what he didn't say."

"Go on"

"Sometimes, I just want to know what the fuck his problem is. I know I'm not an idiot. I study hard, more than most people, and I get the grades. But I don't have the knack for astrophysics that he does. Stuff I sweat over he reads for fun. I haven't gotten myself into narcotics or arrested or anything like that. I've been the perfect kid. I'm a good pilot, actually I'm very good, better than he is for sure." Tom began to pace back and forth along the sand as he went on with increasing agitation, "Do you know how many people can do what I can? Not many. I can do things with a ship that the engineers who designed it didn't even imagine. God damn it. What the hell am I doing wrong here? Why isn't he happy with me?" Tom stopped pacing and pounded his clenched fists into the dock, "Why, what's wrong with me?" He stood, and with a defeated tone added, "All he wants is to check my flight logs, and remind me to study. Do you know how many times I've heard him say he's proud of me? Never. Forget about anything more personal. That kind of stuff's not supposed to matter to a guy, but it does."

"I'm sorry Tom. I didn't really know."

Tom looked out over the water and shook his head. "No, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to get out of control like that."

"It's ok, you're allowed. It's better you say what you're feeling now, and get rid of it. I can't pretend to understand why your dad acts that way with you. My family isn't like that at all. As long as I'm happy, my parents are happy. I could tell them I wanted to become a tribble rancher and they'd encourage me. I wish things were different for you, Tom."

"So do I." He was feeling less of the anger and hurt now that he'd let it out to her. It was settling down to the dull pain he almost didn't notice anymore.

"It's getting too late for SCUBA, but we could still get in a good swim. Nothing too rigorous, just a nice relaxing time."  
Tom looked into her eyes, the setting sun was painting her face with orange hues, and she looked more beautiful than he'd ever seen her. What was she doing with him?

"You know, Susie, you put up with a lot from me."

"That I do."

"Why? Why do you want to be with someone with the kind of problems I've got?"

"I love you, silly. I want you to be happy, and listening to you is part of the deal. Come swim with me."

**********


	4. Chapter 4

In the week before classes started at the Academy, the new cadets began to arrive. They faced a round of physicals, updating of records, haircuts, uniforms, room assignments, class schedules, and jumping through bureaucratic hoops. At least Tom knew where everything was, and Susie appreciated having him help her get it all straightened out. Tom seemed to know half of the incoming class, and quite a few upperclassmen. "All fellow fleet brats," he explained.

Tom's roommate was a very reserved, studious science-track cadet. James Edwards was also going to study Astrophysics, but with serious research in mind. He seemed like he was out there contemplating spatial anomalies half the time. Tom liked him well enough, and his interest in classical astronomy ensured he would spend many evenings in the observatory.

When Tom arrived at the Academy, there was a subspace communication waiting for him. Owen Paris had sent a short message welcoming Tom to the Academy and advising him on how to best get started. He also apologized for not being there, which did surprise Tom. The message ended with, "Take care," not "I love you." However, Tom was learning to live with the essentially professional relationship between him and his father, and it really didn't bother him as much as he thought it would.

Susie's roommate was a Bajoran, Teldas Kalie. She was studying security and tactical procedures. Very few Bajorans attended the Academy now, the Cardassians severely restricting migration off-world. Kalie's family had left Bajor some years before the occupation, and her father was very active in trying to recruit Starfleet's assistance in the Bajoran conflict. She had a deep hate for Cardassians, and a deep commitment to her religion and spiritual life. Susie liked their conversations. She wanted to know all about Kalie's spiritual beliefs. They had some heated intellectual discussions over the ethics involved in scientific research. Kalie maintained that some questions were not to be asked, there were some things that should be taken on faith. "If the prophets wanted us to know, they would reveal it in some way." Many people thought that because a person studied life science that she would have to be some kind of "mad scientist", and probably an atheist. This wasn't true of Susie at all. She had once heard a prominent lecturer say, "To study the mechanism of life is to try to understand the mind of God." She believed it. Susie felt that life was a delicate balance, and sometimes fleeting. Both roommates agreed that you had to appreciate it.

The first semester of the Academy is actually a weeding-out process. Everyone who is accepted is among the "Best and Brightest", but not everyone had the desire and stamina required of Starfleet personnel. It was one of those things no one would ever tell you before you got there, and cadets only figured out long after the fact. That first semester was designed to not only test the intellectual capacity of a cadet, but to test their character as well. The typical cadet never felt dumber than during that first semester, always wondering how they were going to keep up with all the expectations placed on them. It frequently fostered an adversarial relationship between cadets and Starfleet. Older cadets said that if you didn't think about dropping out at least once a week during the first year, you were seriously mentally ill. Both Tom and Susie managed the adjustment fairly well. They were glad to have each other to lean on and talk about the insecurities that their respective programs brought out in them. Sharing their experiences made them even closer. He had trouble with classwork. Sometimes the theories they studied made his head swim. Why couldn't the instructors just bring things into accessible terms? He'd picked Astrophysics as a major, so it could prepare him to be a better pilot. It was simple, he said, "You've got to know the physics to control them." Susie questioned her ability to reason out the experimental data she generated. Sometimes she just didn't see what her mentor saw as the obvious conclusion, and she felt like an idiot. On more than one occasion Tom talked Susie out of packing up and leaving. Tom felt like he'd like to just give up and leave, almost as often as Susie did, but he never seriously considered it. For him, it wasn't a real option.

Susie continued to work with Dr. Melkonian. They were working on evolutionary sequence comparisons using high density oligonucleotide arrays. They were designing the most appropriate DNA probe arrays to use for the whole genome scans they would begin in the next phase of the project. Ultimately, they would begin evolutionary analysis of all known sentient life forms. There was a great deal of routine work to be done in this phase, and Dr. Melkonian appreciated Susie's interest and help.

In addition to the Astrophysics curriculum and introductory Starfleet procedures and protocols seminars, Tom took part in an Officer Preparation course. It was a must for command-track cadets. They studied military history, strategy, and the current military and diplomatic climate. The only aspect Tom found truly interested him was the historical aspect. He could actually discuss some of the more esoteric military campaigns of history, being the only one in class to have read works like Gibbon's *Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire*.

One evening, Tom was telling Susie about their discussion in the Officer Prep. Course. They'd read *The Prince* by Machiavelli, which had inspired much discussion. The object of the reading had been to demonstrate different philosophies of command. "So, the point of the book is that the end justifies the means?" Susie questioned him.

"Yes, in a nutshell. Sometimes it's necessary to do the wrong thing for the right reason."

"Tom, do you really believe that?"

"Well, I can see the point. I think it falls into a very gray area. You can't just say that doing something immoral can be justified by coming up with a moral excuse. But, if what needs to be done will right a greater wrong, then I see it."

"I'm not sure I agree with you. It sounds like a convenient way to cover for an unethical decision."

"Command is a complicated thing. There can be so many factors to take into consideration when making a tough decision. It helps to see different approaches to making those types of decisions, before you get a handle on how to do it," Tom explained.

"Life is a complicated thing. You still need to know who you are and what you stand for, and never compromise on that. If you do, you're being dishonest with yourself. A person should know what's right and wrong for them."

"Susie, you have some of the strongest opinions and ideals I've ever heard. Not everyone knows themselves well enough or is strong enough to take a stand for what they believe in, especially if that stand could harm a career."

"I know that I can be pretty up front about what I think, Tom, and I'm willing to accept the consequences. But I won't ever be willing to compromise my personal ethics, even for a career. I love my work, but if I were to be asked to exaggerate or fudge some results, I wouldn't do it. Compromising the integrity of the work, my integrity, would make the whole thing worthless for me. I'd rather give it up and do something else with my life."

"I can't say I agree, but I'm glad you have an opinion, and that you'll argue it with me. Kind of fun this battle of wits."

"Except sometimes I feel like my opponent is only half- prepared." She replied with a sardonic smile.

"Ha Ha. Too funny. Isn't that enough discussion and debate for one night? James isn't going to be back for hours, so why don't we find another topic to discuss."

"Such as?"

"The strategy of romance perhaps? How to conquer the heart of the one you desire?"

"You have a pathetic sense of humor sometimes. I don't know why I keep coming back for more."

Tom drew her close to him, "Let me remind you."

**********

Tom had just finished running a particularly challenging simulation and was going over the flight logs when he heard the chime of the simulator, indicating someone was outside. "All right, I'm just finishing. I'll be right out." The door opened and in stepped Susie. "Hey, what are you doing here?"

"I just came by to see you. We haven't spent much time together the past few weeks."

"No kidding. Midterms suck."

Susie replied, "I reserved the next block of time in this simulator. No one's going to disturb us for a whole hour." The look on her face gave away her true intentions.

"You don't want to brush up your piloting skills do you?" he asked, raising his eyebrows suggestively.

"No, flying I'll leave to you." She stepped up to Tom and straddled him, setting herself in his lap.

"Unless, maybe you can take me *flying* for real?" Tom replied in a low voice.

Susie brought her face close to his and began to breathe seductively in his ear. "I'll take you anywhere you want to go." She pulled back and smiled before kissing him with a fervor that make it clear how long it had been since they had spent some quality time alone together. This was definitely a prime fantasy of many a pilot, sex in the pilot's chair. Susie kissed down his neck and back up to his ears, being sure to make contact with the very sensitive spot behind his ear. Tom shuddered and his hands began to roam over her body. He stroked her breasts through the cadet uniform. Somehow, he hadn't ever seen these uniforms as very sexy, but perhaps his opinion was changing. They continued their deep and passionate kiss. Susie broke the kiss for a moment and reached up to remove the clips that kept her hair in place and shook it out, allowing it to cascade down over her shoulders. She paused to savor the sensuous look that Tom was giving her. Tom then undid the front fastenings of her uniform and it flowed softly onto the floor. They resumed their kiss and Tom returned his hands to exploring her soft skin. Susie kept right up with him by taking charge of the disposition of his uniform. They continued until Tom found himself naked in the pilot's chair with a beautiful woman straddling his knees.

"Wait a second, Susie." She looked at him with a mix of irritation and disbelief. Tom reached beyond her and touched several controls on the keypad. A simulation of a cloud-filled sky came up on the screen ahead and to the sides of them. He gave her a look, uniquely his own, which combined playfulness and sensuality. "We'll just take a little ride up here for a while."

She answered with a low soft giggle and began to kiss his chest. She changed her stance so she was standing between his knees, and continued to kiss her way down his body while moving to kneeling position in front of him. She stroked him for a brief time before taking him in her mouth. The pleasure she was inflicting on him was almost too much. Susie had gotten particularly good at pleasuring him this way. When she realized he was getting close, she slowed her motions and then stopped, turning instead to kiss up his abs and chest again. She kissed him once more and lowered herself onto him. They moved together and enjoyed the sensation of every movement. This semi-public place was only adding to their excitement. When they finally climaxed, Susie stifled her cries with the back of her hand. She was still quite audible, Tom was sure. The clouds continued to roll by, reflecting the floating feeling he had. This was perfect. The two things he loved most, the open sky and Susie in one experience. Definitely a training exercise to remember.

They finished dressing just as the door chime rang, announcing the next cadet was on deck for simulator time. As they exited, Cadet Thompson couldn't help noticing that one of the cadets who'd just been in the simulator was wearing a blue science-track uniform. *They usually don't spend much time in flight simulators, do they?* The science-track cadet appeared rather disheveled, actually both of them did. Then he recognized Tom Paris from one of his classes.

"Good exercise Tom?"

"Hi Roger. One for the books." Tom replied without missing a beat. The girl started a blush and looked like she was either going to melt into the floor or kill someone. Tom wished Cadet Thompson good luck and escorted his companion down the corridor.

Roger thought, "I can't wait to tell the guys about this. They did it in a simulator, in the middle of the afternoon! That took some nerve. It's going to make a great story."

**********

It was November 9, Tom's 18th birthday, and Tom was diligently studying. "Come in," he called in response to the door chime. Susie entered the room and greeted him with a kiss.

"Hello birthday boy. What'cha doing?"

"Thanks. Still studying. This Sub-Atomic Particle Physics seminar is killing me."

She looked at him analytically, "Are you sure that's it?" He looked down, even for someone studying Sub-Atomic Particle Physics. "Tom, you don't seem very happy about your birthday. What, turning 18 has got you depressed? You are getting older. But you're not getting old. Things are just getting good." She sat next to him and pushed up against his side. "Come on what's up?"

"Susie, my Dad is going to be home."

"Uh-huh. I know. I finally get to meet the infamous 'Scorcher'."

"You've heard that nickname?"

"Well, a few of the older cadets were more than glad to tell me all about your Dad. They said they call him that because he leaves a scorched earth behind him, no survivors."

"He's got one hell of a reputation. Unfortunately, I think it's well deserved. He starts out a lecture saying, 'I'm going to teach you how to do this the right way, my way. If you don't do it, you fail'." Tom looked down at the floor, lost in thought.

"Tom, you haven't talked too much about him. I know he has really been an influence on your life, sometimes way too much of an influence, more of a controlling factor. But, he's your father after all, he cares about you."

"That's a great sentiment, and I hope it's true, but it's hard to tell. He's not exactly a great communicator."

**********

Tom's birthday party was an understated affair, with only family members present. The Admiral had only arrived back on earth a few days before. His sisters Janet and Caroline had come home from the colleges they attended on the east coast. Susie finally got to meet Tom's sister, Janet. She was reserved and rather stately, reminding Susie of Tom's mother. Janet was studying history, specializing in ancient earth. Janet had wanted nothing to do with Starfleet either, her reasons weren't as clear as Caroline's, but it seemed that she couldn't bear the thought of following in her father's footsteps.

They were making conversation in the dining room when Owen Paris arrived, just a few minutes late, as usual. Susie was surprised by his appearance, his features were strikingly like Tom's, the same height and build, although a bit heavier. He was quite gray, his hair in a short regulation Starfleet cut. His eyes were a dull blue, almost gray, and then she saw it, an expression in them which could only be described as cold. There was something very distant in his manner, even as he kissed his wife and daughters. He shook hands with Tom, wishing him a Happy Birthday, with an almost professional air. Tom introduced her, and the Admiral replied, "Good to meet you, Cadet."

"Please call me Sue, or Susie if you prefer."

"As you wish, Sue." Dinner progressed without any remarkable events. This family appeared to be relatively close, with lively conversation going back and forth between Elaine and her children. They made an effort to ask Susie all about how her studies were going, and took time to fill in the background details of the gossip and stories they told, so she wouldn't be left in the dark. Owen Paris remained relatively quiet. He seemed ill at ease with this chatty mood.

After dinner, his Mom presented him with a very traditional birthday cake, candles and all. Tom blew out the candles and made a wish, but this time he didn't wish that things could be different with his father, he only wished to understand why.

**********

When they were back at the Academy relaxing in Susie's room, she decided she had to ask Tom about his father. Susie had been puzzled by Owen Paris' manner. From their brief interaction, he seemed very preoccupied, like he was always somewhere else, even on an occasion such as his only son's eighteenth birthday. "Tom, your father seems so, distant. I can understand his being so tough professionally, but why is he like that at home too?"

"He's always been like that, it's just worse than it used to be. Something happened to him. I don't know exactly what, but he's not the same. He's colder than he ever was before," Tom answered dispassionately.

"What do you mean, something happened?"

Tom looked preoccupied as he spoke, "A couple of years ago, he was on this deep space mission to the Arias system, supposedly to study massive compact halo objects. The mission took them to the edge of Cardassian space, and somehow, he was captured and held prisoner for a short time. I don't know the details, even my Mom won't tell me anything more than that."

Susie was incredulous. "Why would the Cardassians capture a Starfleet officer and hold him against his will?"

"They were close to the border of their territory, they probably thought Starfleet had sent them to spy. I bet they were right."

"But your father and his crew were on a scientific mission."

Tom shook his head. "Susie, think about it. Massive compact halo objects? They sent a ship with a full crew on a two-year mission to study this obscure phenomenon in a part of space that just so happens to be at a strategic location on the Cardassian border. And they're sent out just when the Cardassians are getting geared up to invade more of the alpha quadrant. This was no scientific mission."

"Starfleet did that? They arranged a spy mission?" Susie had never heard of such a thing.

"What, you didn't know they were in the covert operations game? There's a whole lot more cloak and dagger than the general public knows about. When your dad is an Admiral, you pick up on the undercurrents."

"I thought that Starfleet was about exploration, and bringing different species together, helping cultures to progress without interference. I didn't realize the lengths they might go to do that. It doesn't make sense to me."

"Sorry, but that's the way it is."

The turmoil Susie felt over this new aspect of Starfleet she'd just learned about overshadowed her concerns about Tom and his father. "Tom, why didn't anyone tell us this before we started here. I feel like I've been lied to, like they left out this whole side of Starfleet, and now I'm a part of it."

"It's not the kind of thing you publicize. The majority of 'fleeters probably don't really know what's going on. I just have the good fortune to overhear conversations between Admirals on a regular basis, and I don't have any illusions about what Starfleet officers are like."

Sue felt betrayed. She had completely bought into the positive aspects of Starfleet, and she had never thought to look for another side. She'd been so idealistic. Tom obviously lacked that idealism. But right now, Tom just looked lonely. Her idealistic struggle was important, but right now she knew he was hurting. "Tom, I really am sorry that happened to your Dad. Is there any way you could talk to him about it? Maybe he needs to tell you about it."

"I tried once after he came back. He cut me off, telling me it was not my concern, and that it didn't affect me. The look on his face, it was so cold. That was the last time I really tried to talk to him."

"Oh Tom," Susie stood and put her arms around him. "I don't know what to say."

"Just keep holding me like that, it helps."

*********


	5. Chapter 5

Tom was hesitant to tell Susie about the Holiday party at his parents' house. One evening two weeks before the party he finally asked her to go.

"I've never been to a big formal party like that before, it could be fun. I have this black velvet dress I've had for a while, but just never had an occasion to wear it."

Tom took a deep breath, "Actually, Susie, my Dad asked if we would wear our dress uniforms."

"What?" she replied dumbfounded.

"He asked if we would wear our dress uniforms. There will be a lot of Starfleet brass there, and he thought it would be more appropriate than civvies."

She couldn't believe what she was hearing. The party would be during off-duty time, there was no regulation that said she had to attend as a representative of Starfleet, and no good reason why she would have to go in uniform, nor be on display like that.

Susie finally answered, "It's one thing for the Admiral to tell you what to do, it's quite another for him to tell me what to do! Unless I am to consider it an order?"

"No. Please. Do it as a favor to me? It will keep him happy. Is it really such a big deal? How about we go somewhere really nice for New Year's. We'll get dressed up, really do it right, okay?"

"Tom, the dress is not the issue."

"Then why does it matter what you wear?"

"It matters because he obviously thinks he has the right to interfere in any part of my personal life, even if it's the most insignificant detail. He's got no right to think he can do that. As an admiral, he can order me to do a report on stellar anomalies, or to do 20 pushups, he can even put me in the stockade for insubordination, but he cannot order me to wear anything other than what I want to when I am on my own time! The fact that I am dating his son doesn't change any of that either."

"Susie, you know how my Dad is, and you know that he's been giving me an even harder time now that I'm at the Academy. The last thing I need to do is piss the guy off over something small. All right, I know it's the principle of the thing. But is it really that important? Can we come to an agreement here?" he finished, his eyes searching her face for a resolution, as he squeezed her hand.

She looked into those deep blue eyes, and saw how much he needed her to help make the whole affair easier. He obviously wasn't looking forward to it. "For you, I'll put aside my personal objections."

"Thank you. I love you, you know." He took her in his arms and held her close. "Sometimes I don't know what I'd do without you."

"I love you too, Tom."

**********

Sue stood stiffly, the collar of her uniform chafing her neck. *Why did I say I would do this?* she thought. This Holiday party at the Paris household was nothing like what she'd experienced before. Everyone was either in full dress uniforms or designer fashions. The best wine, the best food, and the decor was a testament to understated elegance. It was quite a spectacle. Tom may have been uncomfortable too, but he appeared oddly at ease.

"Hi Tommy. Ohh, would you look at this. Tommy in uniform," purred a slight blonde girl as she sided up to Tom. She was dressed in the trendiest look from Betazed: light, sheer, and poufy.

"Thanks. Oh, Laura, this is Sue Crabtree. Sue, Laura Robbins."

"Nice to meet you."

"Likewise. So, you go to the Academy too?"

"Yes, I'm in the science track there, studying exobiology."

"My, that sounds like it keeps you pretty busy." Laura turned to face Tom, her back to Susie. "Tommy, I haven't seen you since the coming out last spring." She threw Susie a look over her shoulder and continued, "He's such a good dancer. He kept me up half the night."

Sue almost visibly bristled, and couldn't help thinking, *not like I do*. Laura stepped up to Tom and slid her arm through his, "Tommy why don't you dance with me, just for old times sake?" Sue was looking visibly perturbed. Tom shot a look at that said, *calm down , I'll get rid of her*.

"Laura, that's a great offer, but I've got to talk to Commander Aniston for a while. You know, tell him how great his class is, that sort of thing. Why don't you keep a spot open for me later?"

"All right. Until later." Laura gave him a coy look and swished off.

Susie replied, "Lovely to make your acquaintance," and then said in a low voice, "Tom, where did you meet that twit?"

"She's Admiral Robbins' daughter. He and my father go way back. She's been after me for years. God, she doesn't get any more interesting, no matter how many cultural excursions or seminars she goes to. I may actually have to dance with her later."

"Why? If you find her so uninteresting... "

"Because she's Admiral Robbins' daughter. I just can't ignore her completely; my Dad would call it a bad career move. Laura is a twit, but she has her Daddy's ear, and if she decided that I'd been rude to her or something then she'd plant a bug in his ear about me. I've got him for another Command Seminar next year, and I don't need that kind of problem." He cast a look around the room checking to be sure all VIPs were out of sight. "Come on, let’s get out of here for a few." They walked out onto the patio and Tom led her into a corner in the shadows. He caught her up in his arms and kissed her ravenously. When they stopped for breath, he said, "God, I've been waiting all night to do that."

"Me too." The air was chill, and a slight breeze was mussing her hair. She laid her head on Tom's chest and held him close. "Tom, is this a typical Starfleet function?"

"Yeah, I'd say so."

"I didn't know there was so much politics involved. From the Directives and all the things we're been studying, I thought Starfleet was full of idealists."

"No, that's just the young and stupid." He laughed, "does my father strike you as an idealist interested in the growth and personal development of the cadets he teaches?"

"I thought he was an exception."

"Well, they're not all like him, but there are plenty of them to keep him company."

"I guess I had an idealized vision of what being in Starfleet meant. I didn't grow up with it like you did."

"There are a lot of good things that the fleet does, and some incredible people. But, there are also the Admiral Robbins and the Lauras around too."

"I think I'm finally beginning to really understand the kind of bull you've had to put up with while growing up."

"This is just the tip of the iceberg. Just wait until the alcohol really gets flowing. Then you start hearing the war stories." He gave her a squeeze and looked into her eyes. "Someone's going to miss us, let's get back in. You ready?"

"Just one more kiss." He gave her a smile that she felt down to her toes, and fulfilled her request.

The remainder of the evening was spent listening to stories of battles and intrigue in Starfleet, the whole of it simultaneously boring and disgusting Susie. The only thing that made it easier was that Tom stayed with her most of the time. She had never seen him work a room like this. The parties they'd been to at the academy Tom was sociable, and often at the center of attention, but this was not a group of their peers. This was a group of very senior officers, and Tom was talking the talk with them. If she didn't know better, she would have thought that Tom liked this sort of thing from the way he carried it off. Was this the same person who had been so reluctant to come here just a few days before? She realized that Tom had been training for this kind of role probably about as long as he'd been training to fly. How did he manage to look so sincere while kissing up? He wasn't sincere about this bullshit, was he, or was he just one hell of an actor? That thought made Susie uncomfortable. She'd always thought that Tom was sincere with her, but seeing him like this raised a small shadow of doubt.

**********

After the party, they retreated to Tom's room. "Gods, that was unbelievable. I just had no idea. I thought that all people were treated with equal respect and that the directives were the credo that everyone lived by. What was this blood and guts crap?"

"Susie, sometimes a show of strength is the only way to ensure peace, and some of the other governments in the quadrant aren't as humane or even rational. Sometimes you need to defend yourself. These people have been up close and personal with the downside of diplomacy and humanitarian efforts."

Susie thought Tom was still in the same mode as she'd seen earlier in the evening. She did not like what she was hearing. "I got the impression that they got a kick out of that stuff," she asked.

"A lot of them do. Some of them would rather they'd never been in a fight at all."

"How do you feel about it?" Now she had to know how he really felt, not the party line.

"What? Going into a firefight? What do you think half of my simulator time is spent doing? I need to practice evasive and offensive maneuvering. That's what I'm training to do. A pilot's job is to get a ship from point A to B, and do whatever's necessary to get there, including offensive tactics. You're responsible for peoples' lives," Tom answered with conviction.

Susie wasn't sure how she wanted to take his answer to her question, but her gut reaction was to be upset by it. "So, you're comfortable with the idea of blasting a ship full of sentient beings into oblivion because a few of the higher ups can't decide on a line on a map?"

"No fair, that's an exaggeration."

"Is it? You really are O.K. with this violent side to Starfleet, aren't you?"

"Look, no one likes a conflict, but if it happens, you've got to be ready. Would you want earth and its colonies to be left defenseless?"

"Defense is fine with me, but what I saw tonight isn't defense. Somehow it seems selective. We have a pretty good idea about what's going on with the planets near the Cardassain border. Why isn't Starfleet defending those people against the Cardassian forces?"

"You're overreacting. You know Starfleet isn't prepared to enter a full-scale conflict with the Cardassians."

"Maybe."

"Look, I'm not up to a political debate right now, I've had enough of that tonight," Tom replied, sounding tired.

"I'm sorry. I'm just really upset about this. This is not what I expected from being in Starfleet. I mean I knew it, but seeing it for real, I just don't know if I can handle it."

"You learn after a while."

"I'm not sure I want to." Susie's brow furrowed and she continued, "It's always been really important to me to be true to my beliefs, and not to compromise. My mom says this makes me stubborn."

"She's right," he said lightly, trying to ease the tension.

"She probably is," Susie replied, but felt a knot in her stomach tighten.

*********

Susie was putting in some extra time in the lab, trying to get ahead of schedule so she could take more time to study at finals. Her work right now was very routine, which gave her plenty of time to think. Her thoughts kept going back to Tom and the party. She was trying very hard to reconcile what she'd been learning about Starfleet with what she'd always envisioned. It was the best place for her to get an education in exobiology, but she was beginning to reconsider the commitment to Starfleet. She wasn't sure it was something she wanted to align herself with. That thought led to the inevitable question about Tom. Not only had she come to see Starfleet in a new light, she had seen Tom in a new light as well. She still cared deeply for him, but he had changed, even in this one semester. He was doing what he needed to do to be a good officer. Susie didn't want to be a good officer, and she realized she didn't want to be with one either. She found herself crying over her lab notes, as she realized what she had to do.

**********


	6. Chapter 6

Tom was studying in his room when he heard the door chime. Thankful for the interruption, he answered, "Come in." It was Susie. "Hello there," he said with a smile and then wrapped his arms around her and kissed her enthusiastically. She didn't kiss him back, at least not like she usually did. "I thought you were going to be in the lab late tonight." When she didn't respond right away, he knew something was wrong. "Is there a problem with the research?"

"No. The work is going fine, I'm actually ahead of my schedule."

"You look like you have something on your mind. Do you want to talk about it?"

"Oh, Tom." She moved to the bed and sat down. "Come here," she patted the bed next to her. "I'm afraid there's something I need to talk to you about, but I'm not sure how to do it." Tom was beginning to get a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach, but he didn't know why.

"You could just go ahead and say what's bothering you."

"Tom, I need to know something."

"Sure, anything you want to know."

"You're planning on completing the program here at the Academy, and training as a pilot, right?"

"Right. I love flying, I can't see myself not doing that."

"But after, you're going to select the Command Track, aren't you?"

"Well, it looks that way. It would be the best way to advance in rank and responsibility."

"I think that's the Admiral talking. I want to know what you want to do."

"I just told you."

"Come on, do you really believe all of that? Tom Paris really wants to command a ship and just tell someone else where to fly it?"

"Not exactly." They hadn't really ever discussed the specifics of his choice of career. But she had pointed to the one major flaw. Tom didn't want a career as a Starfleet officer, all he really wanted to do was fly.

"This Command Track has a lot of social responsibilities too, doesn't it? Like the party at your parents' house?"

"Yeah. That comes with the territory."

"Tom, I think I know you well enough to be sure that you don't want to live your life like that. Why are you so willing to give it up and just go along with what your father wants?"

"Look, I told you. I have to pick my battles with the Admiral. I'm not ready to fight over this with him yet." An expression she slowly recognized took over his face.

"But, Tom, this is your life!"

"I know that. Shit. Why do we need to argue about this? That's the way things are, and there's not much I can do about it right now."

"That's what worries me. I see the direction your life is going, and I know you don't like it. Yet you seem helpless to change it. I don't like Starfleet politics, the whole command scene. It's just a bunch of puffed up social posturing. I saw what your family is like over the holidays, and I realized something." She moved to kneel in front of Tom, placing her hands on his knees. Her voice began to waver, "I can't live that kind of life. Those people are so shallow, they don't realize how their actions affect others. People are pawns to them, and individuality is not something they accept well. You're not like that by nature, but I don't know what's going to happen to you if you spend your life keeping up with them. I'm afraid the Tom I know and love now won't exist anymore. I love you so much, and I don't want to see you end up as cold and detached as your father, but if you take this path, I can see it happening. The life and spirit are slowly being drained out of you. As much as I want to be with you, I can't stand by and watch you become something like Owen Paris."

"My father wasn't always like that. Susie, a Starfleet career is important to me. I want to prove that I can do it, that I can be a good student, a good pilot, and a good officer. Do you understand the kind of commitment it takes to be all those things? You know how hard I've worked."

"Yes, I do understand! But has all that work been for Tom Paris or for that, that, damn that red shirt!" She cried, the tears now streaming down her face. She grabbed him by the collar, "You would give your life over to your father and this place, without ever really knowing who you are or what you want to do? You would choose command and all that goes with it over anything else?"

"I can't do anything else," he replied. She released his collar and looked down at the floor.

"Tom, I love you, I probably always will, but I can't do this anymore. If we don't end this now, it will just get worse. I can't watch the Tom I love disappear, and slowly be replaced by something else." She looked up at him with tears pouring down her face. "Oh God, this is really hard, it hurts so much."

"Gods, Susie, please, don't do this. Think about it. I love you, and I don't want to lose you. You don't need to decide anything right now."

"Tom, if I don't then I might not be able to later." They held onto each other so tightly, but Tom could barely feel her, it was as if he'd gone numb. "I've got to go now. Maybe we will see each other around on campus. I still want to know how you're doing, and talk once in a while, if that's all right with you. I don't know if I can make it through this place without you to talk to."

Now more than his body was numb, but he felt his face almost work up a smile, "Susie, that would be good with me. You're a great gal. I'll see you around."

She looked at him as if seeing a sight that chilled her soul, "Oh Tom, I'm so sorry." She stepped to the doorway and looked back at him, her eyes giving away every bit of the pain she felt. "Goodbye Tom,” and she stepped through the door and he watched it close behind her.

"Bye Susie." Tom sat down again. The numbness wasn't going away. She'd cried a river of tears in the last few minutes, but he didn't feel like crying. He didn't feel much of anything at all. She was gone, and from her tone, she was very decided about it. Was she right? She certainly had the right to choose to do whatever she wanted, and so did he. Yeah, sure he did. She could look the Admiral in the eye and tell him what she thought his way of life. She could face that penetrating stony look of disappointment if she wanted. He couldn't. An overwhelming sensation of fatigue came over him, all he wanted to do was sleep, just go to sleep.

*********

The next few days were rough, to say the least. Susie buried herself in research, making great progress. She even generated a result so intriguing that her advisor offered to let her be a co-author on a paper describing it. She was exhilarated by her work, but her heart ached. She wasn't sure she'd done the right thing with Tom. She had seen the changes, however subtle in the past semester. He was on his way to a successful career as a Starfleet officer. He was still irreverent and a wiseass, qualities which she didn't just tolerate, but loved in him. However, Tom was not the same guy she'd met on the beach. He was just that much colder, that much more detached. He was developing the detachment that a command officer has to have. That might be fine for other people, but she didn't believe that it was really Tom, and she knew she couldn't be with a man who lived his life like that.

Tom spent the next few days sleepwalking through his life. He went to class, studied, even hung out with friends, but he wasn't really there. He didn't know if he should go see Susie and try to work things out with her. Somehow that didn't seem likely. She wasn't mad at him for any of the typical reasons a girl might dump you. She hadn't met someone else, unless you counted tree frogs as competition, he hadn't cheated on her, nor any of the other offenses ex-boyfriends have been said to commit. This girl, perhaps he should say this woman, had left him because he was going to be a Starfleet officer, and by all indications, a damn good one. She left because of a philosophical objection to the necessities of command. Good God. He knew she was, relatively speaking, out there. Her views on life were not typical, but she had fascinated him. There was nothing vacuous about her, and he'd never gotten the feeling she was molding herself to suit him. That, sadly, was exactly what she'd done. She refused to change or compromise on something that was vitally important to her, and couldn't reconcile her relationship with Tom with her personal ideals. How could he be angry with her for sticking with her beliefs? He sure could, what she did hurt like hell. He loved her, and she was gone. He missed her company, her support, her love. He knew her well enough to know that she didn't make decisions lightly, and lived with few regrets. She couldn't be convinced to change her mind. 

He'd been lucky so far that he hadn't seen her around campus. The semester was now in the final week before exams, so she was probably busy in her lab. He realized that he couldn't stand to be wondering if he would see her around the next corner. The concern was getting oppressive. He did have a way out. The next semester was a physical training semester. Cadets could choose a location depending on preference of location or program. He had previously chosen the base in Colorado because of its proximity to great natural ski slopes. Susie had chosen the same location. The other options were Novosibirsk which specialized in survival training, San Francisco at the Academy, Da Nang another survival training locale, and Marseilles. The Marseilles base had been established in the early days of the Federation and had been a token establishment to honor the countries which had founded the United Nations, a forerunner of the Federation. Marseilles offered the basic training program and ready access to the old cities of Europe. Wine, women, and song, a sure cure for a broken heart. And a place to make some decisions about your future. He couldn't help wondering, "What if she was right?" Was he different, was he changing somehow?

Tom sent a communication to his father informing him of his decision to change his assignment for the next semester. He didn't bother to mention Susie.

**********

Tom had just finished his last final exam. Sub-Atomic Physics hadn't gotten any easier during the semester. It was entirely possible that he'd flagged it. It was out of his hands now. Concentrating was just so difficult. He was distracted, and he knew it. He kept thinking about her. He hadn't felt great the last week either. Finals could really stress a guy out. He'd actually broken out in hives. Probably stress-induced the doctor at the infirmary had told him. The doctor had also attributed his fatigue and malaise to end-of-semester stress. Tom knew there was more to it than that. He just wanted to get the hell out of here, today. He headed back to his dorm, and almost ran into her. "Hello Tom." 

He stopped and caught his breath, "Hello Susie. What are you doing over here?"

"I just stopped by hoping to see you." She replied, with uncertainty filling her voice.

*Why, so you could stomp on my guts some more?* He thought to himself.

"I wanted to wish you luck next semester. James mentioned that you opted to go to Marseilles."

"Yeah, I did. Thought I could use a change of scenery." *And continent.*

"Tom, I know it's asking a lot, but I don't want you to be so angry with me, I can see it in your face."

"I'm not angry with you." The expression in his face hardening as he said, " You made a decision, and there's nothing I can do to change it. You're doing what you feel you have to, whatever I feel isn't going to change your mind."

"Tom, I wish you could see what's happening here. I don't think you'll be happy in Command in Starfleet, I think you know that it's true. Why are you so adamant about doing it?"

His tone turned icy, "Look, we've gone over this. My plans are already set, end of discussion. If you can't understand or accept it, so be it."

"Tom, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you today..." she said with regret welling up in every word.

"You didn't. Good luck to you in Colorado. I'm sure I'll see you around in the fall. See you later."

He turned on his heel and walked away. *I have got to get out of here.*

Susie called out, "Goodbye Tom" after him, and tears started down her cheeks again. She felt a tightening in her chest as she watched him turn the corner, and disappear from sight.

******


End file.
